I lost this wonderful lipstick during my wedding but it lives on through this photo
Yesterday I had two job interviews (plus a new client call), and as I finished the second one, I felt the immediate need to decompress. I intuitively grabbed my earphones, put on my coat, and went for a walk while listening to one of my favorite meditations. I think I replayed the same 12 minute meditation about six times during my walk, because every time it ended, I’d realize that I had barely heard a word and was lost in processing my thoughts. (I finally listened to the whole thing, mentally present, last night while in bed.)
As I walked my neighborhood and moved my body, my mind raced through all the questions and answers of the job interviews, as one does. It had been so long since I’d been in a traditional job interview that I had forgotten what it felt like to be completely responsible for proving to someone else my worth in the workplace.
Obviously, the point of a job interview is to assess whether you can actually bring the value to the job that is needed. It’s results-based worth at its most appropriate expression. However, I still found myself thinking of all the things I should have/could have/would have said with just a little more mental space to “be on top of it.” To “nail the answer.” To “show the perfect example.” I was fascinated by the actual physical sensations in my body from the adrenaline of “being on.” Of performing. Of showing up my best. Of showing off, so to speak.
And then the self-doubt that crept in. The what ifs. The comparison. I don’t even know yet if these jobs and me are the best fit. The experience of being in a job interview still sent me to that old place that I was familiar with for so long of proving I am worthy of _________ (the salary, the job title, the accolades, the glamor, the attention).
As I calmed myself down, completed my walk, and finished my day, I took note of my newer habits, the worthfull ones I’ve been cultivating for these past few years, coming into play. I remembered that if one of these jobs is truly the best place for me to focus my energy and efforts for the next few years, I’ll know it. And so will they. If I need another chance to express who I am and what I can do, it will be given. If these are simply tests to check my values and alignment with my current work, that is great.
I felt the value of perspective. The worth of my innate persona. The gratitude for the many chapters I’ve already lived through. I can’t say I slept well, but I did wake up with calm, confidence, joy, and abundance streaming in through my sunny bedroom window. My worth reminded me of the truth, once again.